I had all the best intentions.. I planned, jotted down, drew out and put on paper my goals for this year. My biggest source of frustration is always a marketing plan, and how to get the word out about what we are doing here. It was thrilling to have it all done, really done and entered into my calendar. To have it all laid out per each week of the year, what promos I am running, how many people I need to service this year, the themes of my fun events.. when to design info pieces to send out, when to send them all out... AHHH, the control and organization, it felt SOO good! BUT alas, I am again side railed by what seems to be God's plan for my life and it never seems to be the one I thought it was going to be.
My mother was recently re-diagnosed with breast cancer, and for those of you that know her (or I) you know she was almost 5 years cancer free. We thought the crap she had to endure last time was a lot; double mastectomy, lymphs taken from her arm, chemo, radiation, some of you know the drill.
After many in our family noticed her dramatic weight loss since November, she finally went in to get some checking done. She went everywhere but the cancer doc's place, because I think she knew that her biggest fear might be realized and she wasn't ready to face it...and I don't blame her.
Now we sit with a crummy diagnosis.. Metastatic breast cancer, stage 4 (in many areas), especially going after her liver and some bones. She is a fighter and wants to go through chemo again, only this time, the most we can hope for is symptom relief for her liver and slowing down the cancer that seems to have lit her up like a Christmas tree on that PET scan. There is no cure for this kind of cancer, it will eventually take her, but she's not ready to go so, again we join hands the best we can to face whatever this journey will bring.
We've had a crazy relationship from the get-go, and on/off fighting between us for years. We love each other but get on each other's nerves. She yelled a lot when I was growing up, but she's my biggest cheerleader and everyone she meets will know I am a professional photographer within 2 minutes because she's proud to tell them. It's funny to say, but the first time she got cancer, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. Mom was nicer, more open and not so krotchity..and I became more patient with her and learned to shut my mouth more.
I'm always amazed at how often I need to be humbled, how often I need to realize that I am really along for the ride, I'm not the driver, even if I think I am sometimes. It took me a couple weeks to get there this time, after the shock wore off, but it's better today. There are still moments of uncontrollable crying, and anger, and then acceptance; it seems to be a pattern and it makes me feel a little cray cray sometimes but I know it's normal.
I'm still picking at the awesomely organized marketing calendar the best I can but mostly, I'm just praying that we make the most of the time we still have together and have faith the rest will work itself out.